It hasn’t been easy being a Dolphins fan the last decade or so.Let’s do a quick recap. Since 1997 Miami fans have had to watch:A) Dan Marino wind down his career with Oronde Gadsden (or maybe O.J. McDuffie) as his best playmaker.B) No. 13’s last game, an agonizing 62-7 dismemberment at the hands of the Jacksonville Jaguars.C) A parade of Marino “replacements,” suffering through the likes of Jay Fiedler, A.J. Feeley, Sage Rosenfels, Ray Lucas and Cleo Lemon.And finally,D) That group of Interceptions Anonymous members leading Miami to five straight years out of the playoffs, making Dol-fans want to make like ostriches and bury their heads in the sand.It’s been a rough decade. Ricky Williams’ choosing a $7-a-day tent in Australia over the ‘Phins was pretty indicative of how this once-proud franchise is now floundering. The team has gone from being super-hero porpoise Flipper to the Mahi-Mahi half of a surf and turf.But now the Dolphins have really hit rock bottom — or floated up to the top, as it were.After two mediocre seasons, the savior in a straw hat, Nick Saban, lied to the world and left South Beach for — brace yourself — Tuscaloosa, Ala. to return to college coaching. Not only did Saban thrust Miami back into another rebuilding phase, he has left the team in worse shape than he found it. He has also all but assured that the talents and careers of Jason Taylor and Zach Thomas will be totally wasted, just like Marino’s.Muchachos and chiquitas in Miami are referring to the coach as Nick Satan. Is it just simple wordplay, or are the SoFla beach bums onto something? Let’s break it down.The name gameThe Dark Lord goes by many names, such as Satan, the devil, Lucifer, the Little Horn, Most Unclean, Belial, the Morning Star and even occasionally (though incorrectly) Beelzebub.Nick Saban? He might even have more titles than the not-so-jolly red giant downstairs. He has been head coach of (fill in the name of the highest bidder), since he was first hired at Toledo, where he stayed all of one season. In his 33-year coaching career, he has held 14 different jobs, including six different coaching jobs since 1990, averaging less than three years at any stop. Door-to-door blender salesmen have more stability than that.The devil is often described as a shape shifter; the same could be said of Saban. If you were to look at Saban every couple of years he would never appear to be the same way, wearing different team colors at each glance. Still, it’s hard to call Saban a traitor, since he really hasn’t ever had any allegiance anyway.Flaming trousersWe’ve all heard that old children’s tease, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” Hell’s overseer certainly is proof of that. One of his many names is, not coincidentally, “Liar” (John 8:33, if you think my pants are aflame), and he resides in an abode that’s chief structural component is fire. So, if he’s still wearing pants, board shorts, capris or even boxers, they are most certainly burning at this moment.But the point is that Satan lies. A lot. It’s basically his most distinguishing characteristic, you know, after his horns, red skin and giant pitchfork.Saban is a liar. On Dec. 21, he blatantly gave the most false statement since Clinton’s Monica Lewinsky denial or Subway’s assertion that they are “the healthy choice.”“I guess I have to say it: I’m not going to be the Alabama coach,” Saban said, impressively without the slightest hint of a lisp, despite his forked tongue.GreedEl Diablo makes his living off of thriving on the seven deadly sins, one of which is greed. To say Saban is greedy is like saying Patrick Stewart’s hair is thinning. The guy left a job that was paying him more than $4 million a year and for what? Mo’ money, mo’ money, mo’ money.With LSU he signed a contract that guaranteed he would always be the highest paid college coach. That in itself is unbelievably greedy. He then jumped to the NFL as soon as the Dolphins threw more greenbacks at him.In fact, if the price were right, Saban would surely bolt to the Oakland Raiders, Harlem Globetrotters or New York Yankees (I hear they want him to pitch).Home, Sweet HomeThe Notorious S-A-T (to the A-N) lives in hell. Obviously it isn’t the best of places to reside in.According to Statemaster.com, Alabama is the 11th worst state to live in. Now while that isn’t exactly a paradise, it would appear to be slightly above hell. Sixth worst would make sense, as six is traditionally the devil’s numeral of choice. However, you have to read between the lines.Some recent players who have worn No. 11 are Isaiah Thomas and Daunte Culpepper, two individuals currently in the process of ruining their respective franchises, a very evil thing.Eleven is also a prime number and thus indivisible into an integer, which makes it an individual and not a team player. In sports, you better be a team player, otherwise you are evil — like T.O., Barry Bonds and Dale Earnhardt Jr.While I admit this logic is a little bit of a stretch, I think it’s fair to say no one you know wants to live in Alabama, not even if they will have the most tricked out double-wide on the block, like Saban will. It’s close enough to hell on earth.The fact is Saban also makes babies cry (Manny Wright), is often beet red (and I don’t think it’s the tropical sun) and is always wearing a hat (obviously to cover up his horns). He’ll also be sporting some pretty fiery crimson this year at ‘Bama. His pitchfork is a whistle and his tail was surgically removed, so that he could be more comfortable sitting down for job interviews (which he constantly is).But you know why Saban has to be a demon in coach’s clothing? Because anyone who saw “Little Nicky” knows the Dark Lord is, in fact, a Jets fan. And no one but a Jets fan could be this evil.Dave McGrath is a senior majoring in English and journalism. If you have any tips to help him learn black magic to place a curse on Saban, you can reach him at email@example.com
The USC women’s beach volleyball team lost 2-3 to their crosstown rivals UCLA Wednesday night. The Women of Troy were coming off a tough loss against Pepperdine.Sophomore Joy Dennis serves the ball in the Trojans’ home match against UCLA. Sunny Dong | Daily TrojanThe matches opened up on the 5th court, where the USC senior duo Jenna Belton and Jo Kremer took on UCLA junior Izzy Carey and freshman Megan Muret. Early on, the veteran duo Belton and Kremer showed why they were labeled by the USC’s coaches as “the group you can leave alone,” by going up 17-13 early on in the first set.However, the lead would be short-lived as Muret and Carey would use an 8-3 run to steal the first set from USC. UCLA would carry on the momentum from the first set, going up 11-6 early on in the second set, and dominantly finished the game 21-10 to earn UCLA its first point of the match.On court four, junior Katrina Kernochan and graduate student Alexandra Poletto took on UCLA freshman Mac May, a former Gatorade player of the year, and senior Elisa Zappia. After falling behind early in the first set 4-8, the Kernochan and Poletto duo fought back to bring it to 11-11. Kernochan and Poletto used their size as an advantage — using high shots to keep the defense off balance. Despite taking a timeout with the score at 17-18, May and Zappia would use a 3-1 run to close out the first set. In a highly competitive second set, UCLA continued to attack the 5-foot-9 Kernochan, stuffing her at the net multiple times. Despite that, USC seized a 17-14 lead behind Poletto’s proficiency near the net. Though UCLA had a 4-0 run to tie the second set at 19 a piece, Kernochan closed it out to win 21-19 and force a third set. In the decisive third set, May and Zappia used powerful shots and a 6-1 run to open up 9-5. With all of the momentum on the Bruins’ side, Kernochan dominated the next few points to tie it at 12-12. Poletto and Kernochan were unable to close the deal and fell 14-16 off of May’s kill.On the second court, senior Terese Cannon and freshman Sammy Slater were also unable to get any momentum going for USC, losing the first set 15-21. They fought back hard in the second set to go up 12-11. Despite their efforts, sophomore Lily Justine and junior Sarah Sponcil came back to win 21-17, and seal the overall win for UCLA.With USC behind 0-3 and the match decided, the Women of Troy would turn to their No. 1 pair of freshman Tina Graudina and junior Abril Bustamante to win a game as they faced off against UCLA’s twins Nicole and Megan McNamara. The McNamara twins, who were riding a 16-game winning streak, showed their dominance by going up on USC 9-16 early in the first set and closing it out 16-21. The McNamaras were noticeably sloppier in the second set, and USC capitalized winning the second set 21-17. In the competitive third set, Graudina and Bustamante won 16-14 to get USC its first victory. Graudina, has stepped in as an immediate contributor for USC and she has reaped high praise from the coaches. Assistant coach Dain Blanton told the Pac-12 Network that he “wouldn’t be surprised” if Graudina was to be selected to represent Latvia in the 2020 Olympic Games.The dual would be finished with sophomore Joy Dennis and freshman Haley Hallgren taking on the reigning Pac-12 pair of the week, Savvy Simo and Zana Muno. They came out strong against the streaking pair, winning 21-19 in the first set. Dennis and Hallgren came out swinging again in the second set jumping on the Bruins 6-1, but Simo and Muno fought back to take the second set 17-21. USC at least took the third set 15-8, but ended the match with a loss.With Wednesday’s 3-2 victory, UCLA has now won two out of three duals against USC in 2018. Up next, the Women of Troy will welcome Pepperdine on April 10 at 5 p.m. The game will be broadcast on the Pac-12 Network.